:: Less than Zero ::

2003-08-23T18:25:00.000Z

Idea for Gameshow:

Mentalist lottery

49 mental patients with numbers tattood to their foreheads are put into a huge tombolla. The first six who fall through the trap door are given their medicine and set free or melted down for scrap; which ever is cheapest. The six numbers then become the lottery numbers for that night.

Hosted by Ted Rogers or Bob Carolgees (sic)

2003-04-15T15:02:00.000Z

I've just been approached to write a few pages for the next edition of the Spunkers Almanac.

2003-04-14T14:00:00.000Z

Wanking furiously like Ben Kingsly on acid?

2003-04-13T20:32:00.000Z

I still haven't had a reply from Adam Hart-Davis concerning my ideas for a show called What the NAZI's did for us. Very curious. Will try Simon Schama tomorrow.

2003-04-13T20:07:00.000Z

Idea for gameshow: Warts win prizes. Celebrities get the chance to win big money for their chosen charity by having the best warts. Possibly hosted by Mathew Kelly (probably hosted by Davina MaCall like every other bloody thing)

2003-04-13T14:22:00.000Z

I got another call last night. At 3am. It was Chegwin all right. I am more convinced than ever before now. I have a videotape of Chegger’s plays pop in my V.C.R. for just such a call and when I played it, bingo. The Keith Chegwin on the other end of the line breaths in perfect sync with the alcoholic nonce on the TV. If that’s not indisputable proof then I’ll sell my eyes.

2003-04-13T13:39:00.000Z

My book is coming on well. Although, I am torn between nailing my self to a box of carbolic soap or whipping my pubic hair into a frenzy in order to get completely into the mindset of my hero, George Best. I recently finished reading “George Best: More Asphalt gum shield than football hero” by Stephen Fry, and I was really inspired by George’s ‘Carbolic’ period in 1982. How he managed to go about his business of drinking and falling over while nailed to a box of soap astounds me. He truly is an inspiration to all men. See how it’s done Ghandi. Manky layabout.

2003-04-13T13:29:00.000Z

I fu**ing hate Sundays. Every Sunday is spent in one of two ways. Either I am struggling with a hard fought hangover or I am bored out of my tiny festering mind, with nothing better to do but write rubbish like this in my unread (and largely unreadable) web log. Oh for the funeral of a close friend or a bout of syphilis. Anything to break up the monotony.

2003-04-02T21:30:00.000Z

This night, I 'arv been mostly drinking Vodka.

2003-04-02T20:41:00.000Z

God bless those Russians for getting a man into space first and for inventing the worlds third greatest drink, Vodka.

2003-04-02T17:46:00.000Z

YOU CAN BITE IT.
A docurant all about the worthless people of modern society and what could be gained if their bodies were used for fuel. Mariella Frostrup discusses the pros and cons of human harvesting.

2003-04-02T10:29:00.000Z

Movie idea:
Whoopi Goldberg plays the part of Jimmy ‘the hand shandy’ McCann, a Protestant member of the UDF in seventies Belfast. While orchestrating the blowing up of lots of women and children she has a crises of conscience and runs away to a monastery where she falls in love with Billy “The Tim” McFienian. He converts her to the cause of fighting for the other side because they are different and she laps it up. After ten years of blowing up kids it suddenly occurs to her that there is more chance of the other side eating the sun than giving up so she searches her soul for another way out. After a few months away from the murderous drug dealing scum that form both sides of the sectarian divide she decides to form her own quasi military group. The Elks.
In the end it turns out that Whoopi is in fact a man, dressed like a women or something. maybe a fish or a rolled up carpet.

2003-04-02T09:29:00.000Z

I really miss Starsky and Hutch, but with my sniper training and my new super sniper scope I am sure I will get them sooner or later. Thank you for your patience.

2003-04-02T08:06:00.000Z

After the recent success of series such as “What the Romans did for us” and “What the Victorians did for us” I have put together the basic outline for a new show.
“What the Nazi’s did for us” would be a twelve part series fronted by Adam Hart-Davis. I will approach him in the morning.

Also I have started receiving strange phone calls in the early hours of the morning. Not sure who they are from.

2003-04-01T21:55:00.000Z

Idea for game show: Who wants the antidote? Game show hosted by Chris Tarrant where celebrities are surreptitiously poisoned and have to answer questions in order to receive the anti-serum. Pilot could feature Vanessa Feltz, Timmy Mallet and Normski.

2003-04-01T12:07:00.000Z

Working on my musical again tonight. I have a new found respect for Andrew Lloyd Webber. How he ever managed to stiff that squawking Sarah Brightman while producing some of the most carefully crafted talent-less song wank I will never know. Hats off to the pint sized fraggle.